I had no idea where I wanted to go first, just that I wanted to leave. Valentine’s place was basically in the middle of nowhere; hidden behind a forest of redwood trees, at least a two days walk for humans, from any civilization; the closet town being Tamrack.. The people that lived in Tamrack hated Valentine; he had taken a lot of their children. And even though they never saw him do it, he made sure they knew that he was responsible for the missing children every time he went back to Tamrack for another feeding. He made sure he forced an image of himself in their minds every time he was there; bringing their fear to the fore front. Valentine wanted people to fear him so that they wouldn’t try anything to stop him. And if Valentine ever wanted a different “taste”, he went to Tramden. I had been to each of those towns several times to pick out his victims, but was able to cloud enough of their minds enough so that hopefully they wouldn’t recognize me if I went back. He wasn’t in Tramden as much as he was in Tamrack, since he usually just went there when he was bored with Tamrack, so the people of that didn’t hate him as much, they just feared him. They tried their hardest to ignore him and whenever he got off his ass to do his own hunting, they always moved around him, as if his aura were a repellent.
Enough about Valentine, I had to think of where I could go, who would accept me as just another weary traveler, looking for a place to stay. I thought my best move would be to start at Tamrack, if only for the reason that it was the next closest town. I had to see how the general public would react to me, if they could tell I was like Valentine, or if I was powerful enough to cloud enough minds so that they wouldn’t remember me and just accept me as another human. I also had to see if Valentine really would follow me wherever I went. At least in Tamrack the people didn’t like Valentine, so if he fucked up their town they would blame him and not me. I took off at a slow trot, not looking forward to getting to Tamrack; I had a bad feeling someone would recognize me, that I hadn’t been able to cloud enough minds the times I had to visit. I just needed them to not question me, to just let me have a room to sleep in then ignore me for the rest of the time I was there. If I could get them to just forget about me, I would be set.
I stepped into the forest and focused on the sounds around me; I didn’t want to be caught off guard. It was midnight, the night being at it’s darkest and my favorite time of night. This was the time I was at my strongest as well, the dark a being of its own, helping me to gain any strength I needed, the moon looking down upon me, enclosing me with it’s light and power. At this time I always felt a mixture of this dark and light working inside me, the two elements helping me be the strongest I needed to be. I knew that if Valentine tried to attack me now, I still had some chance that I wouldn’t die, or that I could at least take him with me if I did. Going deeper into the forest I embraced the darkness and began to run. Even though the redwoods were close together and the forest was dense, I was able to foresee any obstacles and nothing could slow me down. I avoided bushes, trees, small animals, anything that could have possibly deterred a normal person and I made it to Tamrack in record time. I wasn’t even out of breath when I reached the town, having only taken two hours to get there, so I immediately went to a bar that was still open. As I walked through the door, I felt for sure it was going to be the typical movie scene: a stranger walks into the local bar and everything gets really quiet and everyone turns and stares. In this bar, however, everyone was too drunk to even notice me walk in. Going straight to the bar, I ordered a beer, knowing I couldn’t enjoy the taste, but not wanting to seem out of place in a bar.
“You’re not from around here are you?” I had to smirk when the bartender asked me because that was straight out of a movie. “No. I just got here. I am traveling through but I need a place to stay tonight. Any ideas?”
The bartender eyed me, not sure whether to answer me or to just tell me to go to hell. I sat on the stool, taking a sip every now and then, acting like I enjoyed the taste, not bothering to look at the guy. I was trying to be conspicuous and not let these people know just how different I was. “Where did you say you came from?” I groaned inwardly. From that question, I knew that he suspected something, so I told him the only thing I could think of, “I’m from Tramden, heading through the forest to see what’s on the other side.”
I saw the shock on his face, and he started to shake his head. “You don’t want to be going through that forest. There are evil things out there, and whoever gets to the other side, never comes back. There is a monster that lives out there!” I just looked at him with a smirk. I had to be an outsider; I had to convince him that I knew nothing of this “monster”. “Oh yeah? What kind of monster?” The bartender shook his head again. “I dunno what kind, but I do know that it eats people, and that sometimes you can hear screams at night from it torturing people. It comes here sometimes, as if to remind people who he is and what he can do. No one has ever dared to even go into the forest just in case; we like our lives here. We tried to get rid of it once, we tried cornering him and burning him, but he almost flattened the town after that. Now we are just too afraid of it to try anything else. It is in the shape of a man, but who knows what it really is.” I let out a laugh. I didn’t think I was going to stay here long, so may as well play up the whole “monster” thing. You’re welcome, Valentine. “Well I am not afraid of any “monster”. I am pretty sure I can take care of this “monster” you are talking about. I doubt it is anything more than some crazy person who likes to torture people.” I downed my beer, trying not to grimace, and got ready to leave.
“At least stay the night in our hotel! We hear the screams at night; this creature apparently sleeps during the day, or at least doesn’t torture or kill anyone during the day. And we have only seen him once or twice while it was still light out. So if you stay here, you may have a better chance of avoiding it. The hotel is just down the street, not far, just stay there for the night. Then you can’t say I didn’t try to help or warn you. No one has ever survived, but if you are so gung-ho, who am I to stop you? At least get some sleep… and then go to your death.” He started to ramble, muttering the last couple of sentences under his breath, but of course I heard him. I pretended not to hear, however, no need to start any trouble, and just paid for the beer, smirking the whole time pretending I didn’t believe anything he told me. “We will see about this monster in the morning…” I walked out, just happy I had obscured their minds enough that they had not recognized me and that they had told me about the hotel.
Finding the hotel right away, I paid for a couple nights, just in case I decided to stay. I had liked the bartender and who knows; maybe I could make a place like this my home. It didn’t occur to me until it was too late that it was to close to Valentine. I had forgotten about his threat and I should have known better, but I was still elated about having left Valentine finally and about the stories of the “monster” that I had just heard.
Because you asked, I do concur with your sister. You have a lot to say and tend to be very descriptive and rapid. Advice that's worked for me when I applied it to my writing was:
ReplyDelete"Write less to describe more."
Sometimes we use many words to describe less. That's the trouble with writing that we all face. The translation form the mind to the paper, sometimes we try to make it too easy for the reader. Some things are already implied but we lose ourselves in the moment, which is awesome but can sometimes be revised from our notes. For example:
"It was midnight, the night being at it’s darkest and my favorite time of night."
Shortening things like this can sometimes give you even more ways to say it, while leaving more room for the faster momentum you're going for.
Quick examples:
"The night is darkest, midnight, my favorite time."
"Midnight, my favorite, the darkest time of the night."
"The darkest sky, my favorite time, midnight."
etc.
But as you can see, using less words can sometimes boraden your options. Since you have a lot to say, that could help with room and leave you feeling less rushed with the descriptions.
Overall the story is turning out great. Drake has been growing into quite a kickass character. Independence is new for him yet he can stand his own if he keeps his will strong. But it sounds like he's going to have to have a will made of adamantium if he's to get through to the end.
Another thing that critics like your sis need to understand is, this isn't meant to be a full novel and therefore has to move at a faster pace. I think it's neat that you're able to do that. People underestimate how hard it is to tell a good story in a shorter amount of words. Keep up the awesome work. Congrats on your progress!!