I am in a good place right now!
I talked to Andrew and the whole drinking thing and I sort of had an anxiety attack about it and he still wasn't understanding where I was coming from, but I tried to explain as much as I could to him and about how horrible I am and how I think so low of myself.. sigh..
but he just sat there and listened, then he said he would stop drinking all together.. which was really wonderful of him! I told him he doesn't have to completely because I know he will want to when he is with his friends and what not, and I want him to be able to have a good time with them especially because I know they will probably say something to tease him if all of a sudden he stops drinking, but I told him the main thing is that I don't want it in the house. and I don't really want it around a lot when we have kids, even though I know we should expose them to it somewhat so that at least they don't go crazy when they get older, but for now I just don't want it.. I don't want to see him drink and I don't want it in the fridge, so I dunno.. we sort of agreed that he would stop so we shall see what happens!
I just wish I could get a boost to my self esteem but I don't know how to.. sigh.. I need to get my levoxyl so that I can get my weight under control again.. the weekly run has been going good, even though it hurts my leg but I am going to do it even if I am not with Christina.. that should help a little.. I just wish I had as positive a body image as Andrew has of me.. It has gotten a little better, but there is still that nagging feeling that I do not like myself sometimes..
and I am still always thinking that he is going to leave me or cheat on me or something.. stupid past ruining everything! well oh well.. from everything so far, I can trust him.. I mean, he lets me go through his stuff (unless it is close to a holiday.. heh) and look through his phone and I know his passwords for everything so that helps me to trust him more and more and to think that nothing bad is going to happen between us.. my biggest thing was the alcohol and it was bothering me so much, so I am glad that we at least finally talked about it to an extent.

um.. my UCI app is almost ready to go! yay! Stupid teacher needs to do the letter of rec! I am going to send him the email if he doesn't have it by Nov 5th, which was my original deadline. And I will call him as well.. ugh.. what is taking so long?! it can't be that hard if the other two teachers did it the next day! I will probably just send it to him on Friday just to be sure. But I hope everything goes OK and I get in.. ugh I want this so badly! I should know soon after I send everything in I hope!
And the second week or so in Nov, I am going to talk to my boss about my permanent status. They still have not told me about it, and I should have known by now, so after my Vegas vacation ( I want to wait til after that so that I don't ask them about it then all of a sudden I am on vacation) I am going to talk to Charlene and see if she knows what is going on with that so I can at least know.. I mean, she did say I was going to get it, but that was about 3 weeks ago, and now not a word.. so I would like to know! plus they just keep giving me more and more stuff to do, so I would think by now I have kinda earned it.. so we shall see!

alright this is long, so I am going to go now! hasta later!

I have a feeling that one of these days I am just going to blow up on Andrew about the whole drinking thing.. I almost did on my sister when she was talking to me about it..
because again, why should I have to compromise how I feel and what I stand for? why can't Andrew just stop drinking for me? why do I always have to be the one to change? what, he can't stand up to his friends when I have stood up to everyone my whole life because of this? I don't get it.. why does it always have to be me?
I guess this is God trying to show me how strong I can be.. after Erik, I told myself I wouldn't be with someone who drank, but that is hard to find now and days and I am so happy with Andrew..
but aren't relationships supposed to be a compromise? at least he has finally stopped asking me to drink with him.. I try to joke about it, but everytime I do, I cry a little inside.. because it is not a joke to me..
and Christina thinks I am missing out on something, thinks I could be having more fun.. and Robert thinks I just need to suck it up and go to parties so I can be with Andrew, that I need to get over it.. but I am OK with how I am.. why is that not enough? I don't judge people for drinking, I just don't like it, and I don't think it is a healthy thing.. why am I the one that has to pretend I am OK with it? Why can't Andrew just stop drinking so much? I don't know.. *cries* =(

ugh why does everything thing I need to like drinking in order to have a good life?!
I don't get it..
it really annoys me..
my sister says she thinks I am missing out on stuff.. doesn't it count that I don't think I am? WHy do I have to be the one to change? why can't other people change and give up drinking for me? Why do I have to start drinking or start liking it when other people drink? why is it so hard for people to accept me standing up for my beliefs..

sigh.. well other than one thing, things are going pretty good! I just had my 90 days finally through the temp agency, so hopefully they will give me an offer soon.. Charlene already told me that they are going to make me permanent, they just have to make me the offer.. so hopefully it will include a raise so that I can afford more stuff! and pay bills of course.. ha
um.. I applied for UCI! finally.. so now I am just waiting to get my last transcript so I can send everything in along with my works! man I so want to get in.. sigh.. that would just make everything I Have done so far worth while.. also Dr. Bonca seriously needs to do the letter of rec.. he is the only one that hasn't done it yet! soooo annoying!!
jessie's bday was a success.. it went great! pictures to be on facebook soon.. =)
and Dragon day was also a success! it was a lot of fun.. and we made a potato dragon and had lots of candy and cheesballs! yummy.. heh and watched HTTYD, which is the best movie ever!

so now on to the not so good thing.. Andrew is going to another party this Friday, which means I have to find somewhere else to spend the night.. bah.. he asked me if I really had to go somewhere else, and I had to tell him yes, I do because I don't know what else to do.. because if I stay home and he doesn't get home until 3 or 4, I am going to not get any sleep and I am going to be pissed at him.. and it is not like I am going to try and enforce a curfew or something because he is an adult and if he wants to go have fun he can, but I will never like it and he will never change how he is, so there you go.. this is the only compromise I can think of..

bah this guy at work is really annoying me!! but I am going to go to lunch now and ignore him..

man my head hurts.. sigh..
so a lot has happened! Michael moved out.. and he was all excited to move in with Thumper, than a week later (and I literally mean a week) Thumper and Dina (his wife) went crazy on MIchael, threatening him and telling him that the had to listen to whatever they said and had to do everything they said.. so stupid!!
so Michael said he was going to move out and move in with grandma, which would have been awesome, but for some reason Grandma said no, even though she has been telling everyone else that she would say yes. I think Christina is right, though, when she said it was mostly likely because Brian was visiting at the time, and she wanted an extra room for when he visited..
sooo yeah.. that was really annoying and everyone got upset about it.. but now Michael has to rise up and fix this problem himself, and hopefully become more of a man out of it..
the thing that really upset me was the he called me about Ty, because he thought he found a place but they wouldn't take dogs, and he wanted me to help him try and find a place for Ty.. and he was almost crying which really upset me because I wish there was more I could do.. sigh..
but he asked if Andrew and I would take Ty, and I just couldn't do it.. I don't want a dog in the house, I don't want to have to take care of a dog and I don't want the dog smell.. that place is just too small for a big dog, at least in my opinion.. so I felt horrible saying it (no I didn't tell him all that, but I did tell him we could not afford another animal, which is also true) but I just felt bad because I couldn't help him more..
luckily I was able to find someone who really wanted Ty, but it looks like Michael is going to find a better place with better people.. I hope it works out because he is really excited and the people he is going to move in with are nicer people with better values and who will actually be nice to Michael.. I just felt really bad because it did seem like no one wanted to help him in the family, but we are trying to help him to grow up and be on his own.. he is 27, he really needs to learn how to do this, how to learn from his mistakes and how to grow from them, not fold over and give up because you ran into one..
so we will see what happens! I hope this is a learning and good life experience for him!
on another note, still here at BMS, still as bored as usual.. my 90 days is up in October, so hopefully they will make my permanent then hopefully I will get a raise of some sort.. that would just be wonderful.. heh here's to hoping! plus, I do love reading, but I am getting tired of just sitting here reading all day.. it gives me a headache first of all.. second of all I just would like to do something different.. and if they made me permanent they would teach me everything with the system, the phones, everything.. so that would be nice!
and another note, Andrew and I are going to stay at the apartment! we just signed the lease and it is a 18 month lease, but they are not raising the rent at all!! so yay for that!! XD I love that apartment now and it looks so nice with all our stuff spread out and so much room everywhere! I just hope I will be able to afford it.. I think if they do actually give me a raise I will be OK.. plus I am going to Chase today to try and refinance my car, so if that works out I will have a little more money as well..
I think we will be OK, money will just be a little tight.. but right now I am OK with that because I really did not want to move and it really does look nice now all organized.. and we have our own little library/office/ cat room now.. it is great! so we will see how it goes! I am mostly just kinda freaking out about the holidays cuz I love buying people gifts and now I won't be able to buy them as many gifts and I thought I would be able to.. but oh well! one gift is enough.. =)
um.. I am applying to UCI soon! I have almost everything put together so I can send the complete application off.. I even have 3 letters of recomendation! Two have already been written! Now I just need to get all my transcripts and then finish my autobiographical essay, and then I am all done! man I hope I get in.. I have not wanted anything this badly in a while.. and it is my dream.. soo it has to happen! we will see! I am trying really hard to perfect that writing samples I am sending in.. and I am hoping since I am unique in my love for the orror genre, they will see that uniqueness and accept me.. ha man I want this so badly!!
anyways.. I am super tired today.. I woke up a bit early to take a shower and I am kinda regretting it.. ha never again! this is why I shower at night.. heh things with Andrew and I are also going very well.. our two and a half year is Oct 8th, so that is exciting! he says he wants to take me out somewhere, so that is nice of him.. but hopefully it is not expensive as we can't really afford anything extra!
alright this is long.. time for me to go read more.. heh it is almost my lunch time anyways and I am hungry.. yay food!

well, it is official! I am going to apply to UCI within the new few months! Fun stuff! I finally have three teachers who are going to give me letters of rec.. now I just have to start the application and pray that I get in! I so desperately want to get in.. man it is the only school I have watned to go to for Grad school for the longest time.. I hope they see something in my writing that makes them want me to be there.. I hope they see how much I love to write and how much I want to be a writer.. I am just having issues now putting all this on paper.. I think it is because I am so nervous about it, and now i have a deadline.. eek! but at least I am finally going for it!
bah and Michael is moving out early.. next week is his last week actually, which is crazy.. Andrew freaked out at first since he is moving out early, but I told Andrew this was what we were hoping for so you always have to be careful what you wish for!
I am happy and sad at the same time.. I am going to miss spending so much time with Michael.. when he doesn't live at home or with someone in the family, he never actually hangs out with the family, so we shall see.. maybe this time will be different since apparently he has grown up.. too bad he is moving in with thumper.. I have bad feelings about this, but who knows.. it just might work out for him.. I hope it does. He really needs to be out on his own and to do things on his own and he has grown up a little bit since the year he has been with Andrew and I, so I jut hope that it is enough to keep him going through all this! so we shall see what happens
Andrew and I are going to have the place to ourselves for a month! which is cool, but also means that we have to pay the rent by ourselves for October.. but I am hoping that we will be able to pay it and still have money leftover, so when the time comes for the lease to be up, we will decide to stay there. I really want to stay.. I know it would be so much better for us if we had a two bedroom apt.. we just have so much stuff, it would make more sense.. Plus Andrew is getting a raise, so with that it might help us.. and hopefully I can go on permantly here and then I will get a raise too.. so we shall see! I just know after we have this two bedroom, even if it is only for a month and a half, it will be hard for us to go back to a one bedroom.. so much space! it would be awesome if we could keep it.. we would just have to live frugily for a while.. I don't think I spelled that right.. ha oh well..
but anyways! we will see.. we are supposed to be getting a letter soon about our renewing options, so maybe they will lower the rent a little or something if we renew for another year.. I may just refinance my car.. I know it is going to suck paying for another 5 years, but my payments would probably be cut in half! I might have to anyways, because I am pretty sure my loan matures next year, but I don't think I will have it paid off by next year, which would make the interest go up like crazy.. so I may just have to refinance to avoid that, and then any extra money I have, I will just put as a principle payment on the car!
so we will see.. I just really want to stay there and not have to move again.. i hate moving! and just all that space with just the two of us.. awesome!
so anywys.. again we shall see what happens!
but I am going to go now.. see if the UCI app is up yet, or if they are selling comic con tickets so I can do both! =)
laters!

omg this is so stupid.. at my work, they want me to check wires every two hours.. but I don't even have access to the system! so stupid! but they still want me to do it and email the guy if they have any wires.. so now every two hours I have to bother someone else and ask them to check the wires for me and to give me an pertinet information.. so I can email the guy.. like wtf? why can't they just do it.. they are busy enough so either get me access, give me someones user name and password, or just tell someone else to do it so I am not bothering them.. ugh so stupid!
I also found out that everyone else here hates their job.. but it is the people who actually hafta talk to customers that say that, so I can understand.. heh
so far I still like it and it is easy except for this crap they want me to do now.. and I get a whole lot of reading done! there was one guy that made me angry cuz he was bring super patronizing to me, but oh well.. at least it is a job and I get paid well and I can almost do what I want as long as I get the emails responded to..
it is just annoying because no one else looks in the inbox anymore and it would be nice sometimes to get a little help, but I guess I have so much free time anyways, it would just create more free time for me.. so oh well!
um.. I finally got a call from my old teacher at fullerton and she said she can get me a letter of rec! so yay for that.. now is the time to kinda crack down and start writing stuff and editing stuff to send to them. she also said she would edit part of my novel that I am going to send in to help me perfect it, so yay for her! she is pretty awesome! she was a little skeptical though because UCI is really hard to get into and it is one of the top 5 schools for the creative writing program and I don't have any back up schools and she always saw me more as a scholar, not a writer..
but it is the only school I want to go too and if I don't get in, then I will start researching other schools and see if anyone else has a program I want to get into.. Fullerton doesn't, so we shall see!
alright.. my head hurts.. it has been for like two days now.. =P though that is mostly likely cuz I have been reading so much lately, but that's OK.. I am finally getting through all the books I have been meaning to read for months now! but I am going to go.. time to start readin.. ha