I am fat and gross.. blerg..

also, I am tired of making all the effort with most of my friends.. none of them really seem to make an effort to keep in contact with me.. why does is always have to be me.. x.x

also.. Andrew might have TB.. wtf? where did that even come from?! and it's not like I can get easily tested for it without insurance.. bah.. why would this even happen.. x.x stupid everything!

I may have lost 7 pages of my story.. omg that would just be awful.. I really hope I didn't.. I might cry if I did.. I had a whole nother chapter.. ugh!!!
I will check when I get home today and see.. it is supposed to be 41 pages, but here it is only 34.. that is really scary... x.x
and I have a really bad ache in my neck and I don't know why.. probly from my pillow.. but man it hurts so much.. =(
on a good note, my application as been sent and delivered! yay! now just to wait for Bonca's letter of rec, and then to see if I get in or not.. here's to hoping!

well, the time has now come to finally send in my full application to UCI! yay! I am sending it today, so hopefully they will get it soon! And I asked Dr. Bonca to have the letter by the end of this week. he is the last thing I need.. I asked to have it done by Nov 5th, even sent him three emails and left a voicemail, but he still hasn't done it.. so I really hope he at least gets it done by the end of the week! Then, I play the waiting game.. fun stuff.. ha I hope I get in.. =/

let's see.. everything else is going pretty good! Vegas was fun, though I got mad at Andrew at one point because he kept make comments about girls physical appearance, and even once said something like "why don't you get do that?" referring to Hooters girls getting boob jobs.. So I was just like.. wtf man? Sometimes I can't tell when he is joking and when he is not.. sigh.. oh well.. Other than that, we got to see awesome white tigers (man I want one soo badly!!!) and a cool cougar and cool lions! lots of animals.. we got to feed peacocks and ostriches. um.. then we went to the hoover dam, which was cool because I had never been there! It was really high up and just beautiful! And even though I don't drink, I like shot glasses, so I got three.. ha

Christmas is coming up, which I am excited about! yay for Xmas! I just hope they make me permanent by then so I will have money to buy more gifts.. I am so poor right now.. sigh.. and each week Charlene tells me she is going to give me my review to make me permanent, but she still hasn't, so I am going to keep asking her, at least once a week, until it gets done.. it was slow yesterday and it is slow today, the review should only take like 5 mins, so why can't she just make time for it? bah.. this is dumb.. it also makes me mad because they keep asking me to learn more and more stuff and to keep doing more and more, and yet I am still a temp, so wtf.. at least make me permanent so I am getting paid for what I am doing.. at least I still have a lot of down time.. that is something I guess.. heh

bah I am getting annoyed with Nina.. she keeps saying that she misses me and we should hang out, and yet she never makes time for me.. yet she does things all the time with all her other friends.. I dunno, I just don't get it.. why is it so hard to make time for me if you are always hanging out with your other friends? aren't I supposed to be your best friend? I am kinda getting sick of it and I might confront her about it soon.. because she still expects me to go to her son's bday party, which is fine, but I am always the one making time for all my friends, why can't she make time for me if she is always going out with other ppl.. I don't get it.. sigh.. well we will see.. I might just send her a message about it or something, see what she says.. even when I call or text her she doesn't respond, so we will see..
she does have a vacation coming up, so we will see if she tries to actually hang out..

what else? I dunno.. I guess that is it! Man I really want an Arby's sammich.. I have been craving them so much lately! they are so delicious.. heh
anyways.. time to go and finish the manual I am making.. laters!

I am in a good place right now!
I talked to Andrew and the whole drinking thing and I sort of had an anxiety attack about it and he still wasn't understanding where I was coming from, but I tried to explain as much as I could to him and about how horrible I am and how I think so low of myself.. sigh..
but he just sat there and listened, then he said he would stop drinking all together.. which was really wonderful of him! I told him he doesn't have to completely because I know he will want to when he is with his friends and what not, and I want him to be able to have a good time with them especially because I know they will probably say something to tease him if all of a sudden he stops drinking, but I told him the main thing is that I don't want it in the house. and I don't really want it around a lot when we have kids, even though I know we should expose them to it somewhat so that at least they don't go crazy when they get older, but for now I just don't want it.. I don't want to see him drink and I don't want it in the fridge, so I dunno.. we sort of agreed that he would stop so we shall see what happens!
I just wish I could get a boost to my self esteem but I don't know how to.. sigh.. I need to get my levoxyl so that I can get my weight under control again.. the weekly run has been going good, even though it hurts my leg but I am going to do it even if I am not with Christina.. that should help a little.. I just wish I had as positive a body image as Andrew has of me.. It has gotten a little better, but there is still that nagging feeling that I do not like myself sometimes..
and I am still always thinking that he is going to leave me or cheat on me or something.. stupid past ruining everything! well oh well.. from everything so far, I can trust him.. I mean, he lets me go through his stuff (unless it is close to a holiday.. heh) and look through his phone and I know his passwords for everything so that helps me to trust him more and more and to think that nothing bad is going to happen between us.. my biggest thing was the alcohol and it was bothering me so much, so I am glad that we at least finally talked about it to an extent.

um.. my UCI app is almost ready to go! yay! Stupid teacher needs to do the letter of rec! I am going to send him the email if he doesn't have it by Nov 5th, which was my original deadline. And I will call him as well.. ugh.. what is taking so long?! it can't be that hard if the other two teachers did it the next day! I will probably just send it to him on Friday just to be sure. But I hope everything goes OK and I get in.. ugh I want this so badly! I should know soon after I send everything in I hope!
And the second week or so in Nov, I am going to talk to my boss about my permanent status. They still have not told me about it, and I should have known by now, so after my Vegas vacation ( I want to wait til after that so that I don't ask them about it then all of a sudden I am on vacation) I am going to talk to Charlene and see if she knows what is going on with that so I can at least know.. I mean, she did say I was going to get it, but that was about 3 weeks ago, and now not a word.. so I would like to know! plus they just keep giving me more and more stuff to do, so I would think by now I have kinda earned it.. so we shall see!

alright this is long, so I am going to go now! hasta later!

I have a feeling that one of these days I am just going to blow up on Andrew about the whole drinking thing.. I almost did on my sister when she was talking to me about it..
because again, why should I have to compromise how I feel and what I stand for? why can't Andrew just stop drinking for me? why do I always have to be the one to change? what, he can't stand up to his friends when I have stood up to everyone my whole life because of this? I don't get it.. why does it always have to be me?
I guess this is God trying to show me how strong I can be.. after Erik, I told myself I wouldn't be with someone who drank, but that is hard to find now and days and I am so happy with Andrew..
but aren't relationships supposed to be a compromise? at least he has finally stopped asking me to drink with him.. I try to joke about it, but everytime I do, I cry a little inside.. because it is not a joke to me..
and Christina thinks I am missing out on something, thinks I could be having more fun.. and Robert thinks I just need to suck it up and go to parties so I can be with Andrew, that I need to get over it.. but I am OK with how I am.. why is that not enough? I don't judge people for drinking, I just don't like it, and I don't think it is a healthy thing.. why am I the one that has to pretend I am OK with it? Why can't Andrew just stop drinking so much? I don't know.. *cries* =(

ugh why does everything thing I need to like drinking in order to have a good life?!
I don't get it..
it really annoys me..
my sister says she thinks I am missing out on stuff.. doesn't it count that I don't think I am? WHy do I have to be the one to change? why can't other people change and give up drinking for me? Why do I have to start drinking or start liking it when other people drink? why is it so hard for people to accept me standing up for my beliefs..

sigh.. well other than one thing, things are going pretty good! I just had my 90 days finally through the temp agency, so hopefully they will give me an offer soon.. Charlene already told me that they are going to make me permanent, they just have to make me the offer.. so hopefully it will include a raise so that I can afford more stuff! and pay bills of course.. ha
um.. I applied for UCI! finally.. so now I am just waiting to get my last transcript so I can send everything in along with my works! man I so want to get in.. sigh.. that would just make everything I Have done so far worth while.. also Dr. Bonca seriously needs to do the letter of rec.. he is the only one that hasn't done it yet! soooo annoying!!
jessie's bday was a success.. it went great! pictures to be on facebook soon.. =)
and Dragon day was also a success! it was a lot of fun.. and we made a potato dragon and had lots of candy and cheesballs! yummy.. heh and watched HTTYD, which is the best movie ever!

so now on to the not so good thing.. Andrew is going to another party this Friday, which means I have to find somewhere else to spend the night.. bah.. he asked me if I really had to go somewhere else, and I had to tell him yes, I do because I don't know what else to do.. because if I stay home and he doesn't get home until 3 or 4, I am going to not get any sleep and I am going to be pissed at him.. and it is not like I am going to try and enforce a curfew or something because he is an adult and if he wants to go have fun he can, but I will never like it and he will never change how he is, so there you go.. this is the only compromise I can think of..

bah this guy at work is really annoying me!! but I am going to go to lunch now and ignore him..