also... I still can't believe what Brianna did to me.. I really can't.. it was quite possibly the worst thing a "friend" has done to me.. and with no explanation.. I mean, at least with other people they gave me a reason why they couldn't be friends, but this.. "rift" what the fuck is that?! I mean.. seriously.. what the hell happened in Vegas?
ugh I hope she reads this for some reason and feels like shit.. I really hope she does.. I hope she feels like the worst person in the world.. I cried all day for it.. and now I am trying soooo hard not to care... and I don't on most days, but we were supposed to be best friends.. and she wasn't even going to tell me?! she was just hoping our friendship would end?! WTF??!?!? ugh so frustrating.. I already deleted all pics of her from my computer and facebook because I just couldn't see her face anymore.. it made me and still makes me so sad.. I just don't get it!!!! AAARGH! i just want to hit something... I seriously hope she still cries over this and that she beats herself up everyday because of it and Jericho berats her because of it.. ugh.. who does that to people!?

but at least Christmas was amazing this year.. lots of cool gifts! and lots of gift cards.. woo so we got even more stuff with the gift cards! now I am just worried about money.. but hopefully Andrew's parents can help out a little..

and right now I hate BMS.. no one helps me out and yet I am supposed to help everyone else out.. no one helps with the inbox when I am on lunch, so I am constantly delaying my lunch so that I can do the inbox and have it clean before I go on lunch so I don't have 47 messages when I come back.. and yet I am expected to help out on the phones when it is busy.. but when it is busy, does anyone help me? of course not.. jon barely does it when he is the only one here.. and Josh didn't even do everything he was supposed to on Friday.. and I am not even permanent yet!! I am so frustrated at so many things right now

sometimes I miss colorguard so much it makes me want to cry..

I forgot!! good news! Andrew does not have TB.. ha yay for that! that was scary!
but I guess his skin just reacted a little to the shot he got, so they thought he might have it.. but it was probably just because he is almost as sensitive as I am.. heh so yay!
on another note.. things are sad right now.. =(

I am cold.. ha it is freezing in my building right now!!
bah this raise is taking forever to go into affect.. apparently they can't verify some of my background info, so it hasn't started yet.. stupid! why on earth does it take this long.. I mean, they verified everything with the temp agency, so wtf? why is it so difficult here? as if I would lie or something.. bah!
oh well.. I guess it will happen soon enough.. sigh.. I just have to be more careful when it comes to my spending! at least for the time being.. lame
on another note, going to AZ this weekend! to meet all of Jessie's family! should be fun.. though it will still be a little strange if I am the only white girl there.. haha but it should still be fun and I like AZ for the most part.. I don't think it is going to be balls hot that it usually is when I go, so yay! I wonder if I will have time to see Mike.. probably not.. we are driving up there Friday morning, then coming home Sunday.. ugh not looking forward to the 8 hr drive.. but oh well! nap time! woo! heh
I have been feeling sick lately too so I better not be getting sick! stupid!
um.. what else? only 18 days til Christmas! even though I am depressed about how I look I am getting excited for Christmas! but I am getting a new book called "Eat to Live", so hopefully that will help! I will start buying that stuff in the book and see if I can lose some weight. though some of the weight is probably due to my hypothyroidism, so hopefully when I get my levoxyl again, that will help lose some of the weight, but hopefully for the time being this book will help. MY friend lost weight off of it and it promises that you will lose 20 lbs in 6 weeks, so we will see! I hope so.. I hate feeling like this.. the running has been helping a little, but I need to fix my diet and it has been hard for me since I am so addicted to sugar and fatty foods.. so here is to hoping! It is also just hard because of my stomach problems, so hopefully this book will show a lot of snacks I can eat and stuff..

um.. what else? I dunno.. I think that is it! yay for christmas coming up! and yay for a four day work week! heh

I am fat and gross.. blerg..

also, I am tired of making all the effort with most of my friends.. none of them really seem to make an effort to keep in contact with me.. why does is always have to be me.. x.x

also.. Andrew might have TB.. wtf? where did that even come from?! and it's not like I can get easily tested for it without insurance.. bah.. why would this even happen.. x.x stupid everything!

I may have lost 7 pages of my story.. omg that would just be awful.. I really hope I didn't.. I might cry if I did.. I had a whole nother chapter.. ugh!!!
I will check when I get home today and see.. it is supposed to be 41 pages, but here it is only 34.. that is really scary... x.x
and I have a really bad ache in my neck and I don't know why.. probly from my pillow.. but man it hurts so much.. =(
on a good note, my application as been sent and delivered! yay! now just to wait for Bonca's letter of rec, and then to see if I get in or not.. here's to hoping!

well, the time has now come to finally send in my full application to UCI! yay! I am sending it today, so hopefully they will get it soon! And I asked Dr. Bonca to have the letter by the end of this week. he is the last thing I need.. I asked to have it done by Nov 5th, even sent him three emails and left a voicemail, but he still hasn't done it.. so I really hope he at least gets it done by the end of the week! Then, I play the waiting game.. fun stuff.. ha I hope I get in.. =/

let's see.. everything else is going pretty good! Vegas was fun, though I got mad at Andrew at one point because he kept make comments about girls physical appearance, and even once said something like "why don't you get do that?" referring to Hooters girls getting boob jobs.. So I was just like.. wtf man? Sometimes I can't tell when he is joking and when he is not.. sigh.. oh well.. Other than that, we got to see awesome white tigers (man I want one soo badly!!!) and a cool cougar and cool lions! lots of animals.. we got to feed peacocks and ostriches. um.. then we went to the hoover dam, which was cool because I had never been there! It was really high up and just beautiful! And even though I don't drink, I like shot glasses, so I got three.. ha

Christmas is coming up, which I am excited about! yay for Xmas! I just hope they make me permanent by then so I will have money to buy more gifts.. I am so poor right now.. sigh.. and each week Charlene tells me she is going to give me my review to make me permanent, but she still hasn't, so I am going to keep asking her, at least once a week, until it gets done.. it was slow yesterday and it is slow today, the review should only take like 5 mins, so why can't she just make time for it? bah.. this is dumb.. it also makes me mad because they keep asking me to learn more and more stuff and to keep doing more and more, and yet I am still a temp, so wtf.. at least make me permanent so I am getting paid for what I am doing.. at least I still have a lot of down time.. that is something I guess.. heh

bah I am getting annoyed with Nina.. she keeps saying that she misses me and we should hang out, and yet she never makes time for me.. yet she does things all the time with all her other friends.. I dunno, I just don't get it.. why is it so hard to make time for me if you are always hanging out with your other friends? aren't I supposed to be your best friend? I am kinda getting sick of it and I might confront her about it soon.. because she still expects me to go to her son's bday party, which is fine, but I am always the one making time for all my friends, why can't she make time for me if she is always going out with other ppl.. I don't get it.. sigh.. well we will see.. I might just send her a message about it or something, see what she says.. even when I call or text her she doesn't respond, so we will see..
she does have a vacation coming up, so we will see if she tries to actually hang out..

what else? I dunno.. I guess that is it! Man I really want an Arby's sammich.. I have been craving them so much lately! they are so delicious.. heh
anyways.. time to go and finish the manual I am making.. laters!

I am in a good place right now!
I talked to Andrew and the whole drinking thing and I sort of had an anxiety attack about it and he still wasn't understanding where I was coming from, but I tried to explain as much as I could to him and about how horrible I am and how I think so low of myself.. sigh..
but he just sat there and listened, then he said he would stop drinking all together.. which was really wonderful of him! I told him he doesn't have to completely because I know he will want to when he is with his friends and what not, and I want him to be able to have a good time with them especially because I know they will probably say something to tease him if all of a sudden he stops drinking, but I told him the main thing is that I don't want it in the house. and I don't really want it around a lot when we have kids, even though I know we should expose them to it somewhat so that at least they don't go crazy when they get older, but for now I just don't want it.. I don't want to see him drink and I don't want it in the fridge, so I dunno.. we sort of agreed that he would stop so we shall see what happens!
I just wish I could get a boost to my self esteem but I don't know how to.. sigh.. I need to get my levoxyl so that I can get my weight under control again.. the weekly run has been going good, even though it hurts my leg but I am going to do it even if I am not with Christina.. that should help a little.. I just wish I had as positive a body image as Andrew has of me.. It has gotten a little better, but there is still that nagging feeling that I do not like myself sometimes..
and I am still always thinking that he is going to leave me or cheat on me or something.. stupid past ruining everything! well oh well.. from everything so far, I can trust him.. I mean, he lets me go through his stuff (unless it is close to a holiday.. heh) and look through his phone and I know his passwords for everything so that helps me to trust him more and more and to think that nothing bad is going to happen between us.. my biggest thing was the alcohol and it was bothering me so much, so I am glad that we at least finally talked about it to an extent.

um.. my UCI app is almost ready to go! yay! Stupid teacher needs to do the letter of rec! I am going to send him the email if he doesn't have it by Nov 5th, which was my original deadline. And I will call him as well.. ugh.. what is taking so long?! it can't be that hard if the other two teachers did it the next day! I will probably just send it to him on Friday just to be sure. But I hope everything goes OK and I get in.. ugh I want this so badly! I should know soon after I send everything in I hope!
And the second week or so in Nov, I am going to talk to my boss about my permanent status. They still have not told me about it, and I should have known by now, so after my Vegas vacation ( I want to wait til after that so that I don't ask them about it then all of a sudden I am on vacation) I am going to talk to Charlene and see if she knows what is going on with that so I can at least know.. I mean, she did say I was going to get it, but that was about 3 weeks ago, and now not a word.. so I would like to know! plus they just keep giving me more and more stuff to do, so I would think by now I have kinda earned it.. so we shall see!

alright this is long, so I am going to go now! hasta later!

I have a feeling that one of these days I am just going to blow up on Andrew about the whole drinking thing.. I almost did on my sister when she was talking to me about it..
because again, why should I have to compromise how I feel and what I stand for? why can't Andrew just stop drinking for me? why do I always have to be the one to change? what, he can't stand up to his friends when I have stood up to everyone my whole life because of this? I don't get it.. why does it always have to be me?
I guess this is God trying to show me how strong I can be.. after Erik, I told myself I wouldn't be with someone who drank, but that is hard to find now and days and I am so happy with Andrew..
but aren't relationships supposed to be a compromise? at least he has finally stopped asking me to drink with him.. I try to joke about it, but everytime I do, I cry a little inside.. because it is not a joke to me..
and Christina thinks I am missing out on something, thinks I could be having more fun.. and Robert thinks I just need to suck it up and go to parties so I can be with Andrew, that I need to get over it.. but I am OK with how I am.. why is that not enough? I don't judge people for drinking, I just don't like it, and I don't think it is a healthy thing.. why am I the one that has to pretend I am OK with it? Why can't Andrew just stop drinking so much? I don't know.. *cries* =(

ugh why does everything thing I need to like drinking in order to have a good life?!
I don't get it..
it really annoys me..
my sister says she thinks I am missing out on stuff.. doesn't it count that I don't think I am? WHy do I have to be the one to change? why can't other people change and give up drinking for me? Why do I have to start drinking or start liking it when other people drink? why is it so hard for people to accept me standing up for my beliefs..

sigh.. well other than one thing, things are going pretty good! I just had my 90 days finally through the temp agency, so hopefully they will give me an offer soon.. Charlene already told me that they are going to make me permanent, they just have to make me the offer.. so hopefully it will include a raise so that I can afford more stuff! and pay bills of course.. ha
um.. I applied for UCI! finally.. so now I am just waiting to get my last transcript so I can send everything in along with my works! man I so want to get in.. sigh.. that would just make everything I Have done so far worth while.. also Dr. Bonca seriously needs to do the letter of rec.. he is the only one that hasn't done it yet! soooo annoying!!
jessie's bday was a success.. it went great! pictures to be on facebook soon.. =)
and Dragon day was also a success! it was a lot of fun.. and we made a potato dragon and had lots of candy and cheesballs! yummy.. heh and watched HTTYD, which is the best movie ever!

so now on to the not so good thing.. Andrew is going to another party this Friday, which means I have to find somewhere else to spend the night.. bah.. he asked me if I really had to go somewhere else, and I had to tell him yes, I do because I don't know what else to do.. because if I stay home and he doesn't get home until 3 or 4, I am going to not get any sleep and I am going to be pissed at him.. and it is not like I am going to try and enforce a curfew or something because he is an adult and if he wants to go have fun he can, but I will never like it and he will never change how he is, so there you go.. this is the only compromise I can think of..

bah this guy at work is really annoying me!! but I am going to go to lunch now and ignore him..

man my head hurts.. sigh..
so a lot has happened! Michael moved out.. and he was all excited to move in with Thumper, than a week later (and I literally mean a week) Thumper and Dina (his wife) went crazy on MIchael, threatening him and telling him that the had to listen to whatever they said and had to do everything they said.. so stupid!!
so Michael said he was going to move out and move in with grandma, which would have been awesome, but for some reason Grandma said no, even though she has been telling everyone else that she would say yes. I think Christina is right, though, when she said it was mostly likely because Brian was visiting at the time, and she wanted an extra room for when he visited..
sooo yeah.. that was really annoying and everyone got upset about it.. but now Michael has to rise up and fix this problem himself, and hopefully become more of a man out of it..
the thing that really upset me was the he called me about Ty, because he thought he found a place but they wouldn't take dogs, and he wanted me to help him try and find a place for Ty.. and he was almost crying which really upset me because I wish there was more I could do.. sigh..
but he asked if Andrew and I would take Ty, and I just couldn't do it.. I don't want a dog in the house, I don't want to have to take care of a dog and I don't want the dog smell.. that place is just too small for a big dog, at least in my opinion.. so I felt horrible saying it (no I didn't tell him all that, but I did tell him we could not afford another animal, which is also true) but I just felt bad because I couldn't help him more..
luckily I was able to find someone who really wanted Ty, but it looks like Michael is going to find a better place with better people.. I hope it works out because he is really excited and the people he is going to move in with are nicer people with better values and who will actually be nice to Michael.. I just felt really bad because it did seem like no one wanted to help him in the family, but we are trying to help him to grow up and be on his own.. he is 27, he really needs to learn how to do this, how to learn from his mistakes and how to grow from them, not fold over and give up because you ran into one..
so we will see what happens! I hope this is a learning and good life experience for him!
on another note, still here at BMS, still as bored as usual.. my 90 days is up in October, so hopefully they will make my permanent then hopefully I will get a raise of some sort.. that would just be wonderful.. heh here's to hoping! plus, I do love reading, but I am getting tired of just sitting here reading all day.. it gives me a headache first of all.. second of all I just would like to do something different.. and if they made me permanent they would teach me everything with the system, the phones, everything.. so that would be nice!
and another note, Andrew and I are going to stay at the apartment! we just signed the lease and it is a 18 month lease, but they are not raising the rent at all!! so yay for that!! XD I love that apartment now and it looks so nice with all our stuff spread out and so much room everywhere! I just hope I will be able to afford it.. I think if they do actually give me a raise I will be OK.. plus I am going to Chase today to try and refinance my car, so if that works out I will have a little more money as well..
I think we will be OK, money will just be a little tight.. but right now I am OK with that because I really did not want to move and it really does look nice now all organized.. and we have our own little library/office/ cat room now.. it is great! so we will see how it goes! I am mostly just kinda freaking out about the holidays cuz I love buying people gifts and now I won't be able to buy them as many gifts and I thought I would be able to.. but oh well! one gift is enough.. =)
um.. I am applying to UCI soon! I have almost everything put together so I can send the complete application off.. I even have 3 letters of recomendation! Two have already been written! Now I just need to get all my transcripts and then finish my autobiographical essay, and then I am all done! man I hope I get in.. I have not wanted anything this badly in a while.. and it is my dream.. soo it has to happen! we will see! I am trying really hard to perfect that writing samples I am sending in.. and I am hoping since I am unique in my love for the orror genre, they will see that uniqueness and accept me.. ha man I want this so badly!!
anyways.. I am super tired today.. I woke up a bit early to take a shower and I am kinda regretting it.. ha never again! this is why I shower at night.. heh things with Andrew and I are also going very well.. our two and a half year is Oct 8th, so that is exciting! he says he wants to take me out somewhere, so that is nice of him.. but hopefully it is not expensive as we can't really afford anything extra!
alright this is long.. time for me to go read more.. heh it is almost my lunch time anyways and I am hungry.. yay food!

well, it is official! I am going to apply to UCI within the new few months! Fun stuff! I finally have three teachers who are going to give me letters of rec.. now I just have to start the application and pray that I get in! I so desperately want to get in.. man it is the only school I have watned to go to for Grad school for the longest time.. I hope they see something in my writing that makes them want me to be there.. I hope they see how much I love to write and how much I want to be a writer.. I am just having issues now putting all this on paper.. I think it is because I am so nervous about it, and now i have a deadline.. eek! but at least I am finally going for it!
bah and Michael is moving out early.. next week is his last week actually, which is crazy.. Andrew freaked out at first since he is moving out early, but I told Andrew this was what we were hoping for so you always have to be careful what you wish for!
I am happy and sad at the same time.. I am going to miss spending so much time with Michael.. when he doesn't live at home or with someone in the family, he never actually hangs out with the family, so we shall see.. maybe this time will be different since apparently he has grown up.. too bad he is moving in with thumper.. I have bad feelings about this, but who knows.. it just might work out for him.. I hope it does. He really needs to be out on his own and to do things on his own and he has grown up a little bit since the year he has been with Andrew and I, so I jut hope that it is enough to keep him going through all this! so we shall see what happens
Andrew and I are going to have the place to ourselves for a month! which is cool, but also means that we have to pay the rent by ourselves for October.. but I am hoping that we will be able to pay it and still have money leftover, so when the time comes for the lease to be up, we will decide to stay there. I really want to stay.. I know it would be so much better for us if we had a two bedroom apt.. we just have so much stuff, it would make more sense.. Plus Andrew is getting a raise, so with that it might help us.. and hopefully I can go on permantly here and then I will get a raise too.. so we shall see! I just know after we have this two bedroom, even if it is only for a month and a half, it will be hard for us to go back to a one bedroom.. so much space! it would be awesome if we could keep it.. we would just have to live frugily for a while.. I don't think I spelled that right.. ha oh well..
but anyways! we will see.. we are supposed to be getting a letter soon about our renewing options, so maybe they will lower the rent a little or something if we renew for another year.. I may just refinance my car.. I know it is going to suck paying for another 5 years, but my payments would probably be cut in half! I might have to anyways, because I am pretty sure my loan matures next year, but I don't think I will have it paid off by next year, which would make the interest go up like crazy.. so I may just have to refinance to avoid that, and then any extra money I have, I will just put as a principle payment on the car!
so we will see.. I just really want to stay there and not have to move again.. i hate moving! and just all that space with just the two of us.. awesome!
so anywys.. again we shall see what happens!
but I am going to go now.. see if the UCI app is up yet, or if they are selling comic con tickets so I can do both! =)
laters!

omg this is so stupid.. at my work, they want me to check wires every two hours.. but I don't even have access to the system! so stupid! but they still want me to do it and email the guy if they have any wires.. so now every two hours I have to bother someone else and ask them to check the wires for me and to give me an pertinet information.. so I can email the guy.. like wtf? why can't they just do it.. they are busy enough so either get me access, give me someones user name and password, or just tell someone else to do it so I am not bothering them.. ugh so stupid!
I also found out that everyone else here hates their job.. but it is the people who actually hafta talk to customers that say that, so I can understand.. heh
so far I still like it and it is easy except for this crap they want me to do now.. and I get a whole lot of reading done! there was one guy that made me angry cuz he was bring super patronizing to me, but oh well.. at least it is a job and I get paid well and I can almost do what I want as long as I get the emails responded to..
it is just annoying because no one else looks in the inbox anymore and it would be nice sometimes to get a little help, but I guess I have so much free time anyways, it would just create more free time for me.. so oh well!
um.. I finally got a call from my old teacher at fullerton and she said she can get me a letter of rec! so yay for that.. now is the time to kinda crack down and start writing stuff and editing stuff to send to them. she also said she would edit part of my novel that I am going to send in to help me perfect it, so yay for her! she is pretty awesome! she was a little skeptical though because UCI is really hard to get into and it is one of the top 5 schools for the creative writing program and I don't have any back up schools and she always saw me more as a scholar, not a writer..
but it is the only school I want to go too and if I don't get in, then I will start researching other schools and see if anyone else has a program I want to get into.. Fullerton doesn't, so we shall see!
alright.. my head hurts.. it has been for like two days now.. =P though that is mostly likely cuz I have been reading so much lately, but that's OK.. I am finally getting through all the books I have been meaning to read for months now! but I am going to go.. time to start readin.. ha

hello again..
I have been meaning to write in here for a while, but either I am too lazy or I forget.. ha
The job is still going good! It is still somewhat boring, but they really do seem to like me and they want me to learn more stuff and do more stuff, so at least there is that!
Michael really pissed me off a few weeks ago, because Andrew and I were sitting in our room watching tv, and Michael was just at work, so he came home and after a little while Andrew and I decided to go out to the living room so we could watch tv with Michael and we could all hang out together. so we go out there and Michael gets all pissed off! and he is like, "I feel like you guys do this on purpose!" and both of us are like.. uhh do what on purpose? and then he says "well right when I want to sit down and play video games you guys come out here and watch tv!" and both of us again are like, um.. we didn't know you wanted to play video games! you need to tell us these things and not assume we know everything you want to do!
then, about a week ago, Tye ate all the cat food again, so I punish Tye and tell Michael about it and get really mad of course because Michael isn't going to pay for that, we have to keep paying for it.. and then I saw I am sorry I got so mad it is just really frustrating that he knows better but he keeps eating the cat food.. and michael has the argument that he is like a kid, he will still do it no matter what, so I tell him that he shouldve learned by now not to, no matter what! and then Michael starts saying how I shouldn't punish Tye about it, that Doug pees in his closet all the time and he never says anyhing... both Andrew and I are like, wtf? why wouldn't you tell us? why wouldn't you punish doug about it? but I have never smelled pee in his room and I think he was just making that up to try and make it about him or to turn it around on us.. so dumb! ugh!
so yeah.. I know it is kinda mean, but I am putting my foot down on him moving out.. I can't handle another year with this and with Tye.. no more.. and Andrew would not stay if Michael stayed and I need to focus on my relationship with Andrew as well.. so blah.. it sucks, but it has to happen.. Michael needs to grow up and learn to do things on his own damnit! no more hand outs!

anyways.. I am hungry.. ha I guess other employees really hate it here.. weird.. probably the customers though, like usual.. because people are stupid. ha oh well at least I still like it! man i am hungry though! alright I am gonna go now.. time to go potty and read more about the new batman game! woo!

hello again! I know it has been a while, but guess what? I have a new job finally! yay! so far it is really boring but that is OK because it is stress free and only about 5 mins away from my house.. how much better can that get? I mean.. seriously? I really do not feel like going into an explanation as to what I do, but I work with the trustees at BMS.. =) that is enough.. heh I have explained it to many times to so many different people, that I just don't wanna do it on here.. I know what I do and I don't need to read about it later!
but yeah it is nice.. and I get paid really well and every week! in fact, I get paid tomorrow, so what I did was upgrade my ipod finally! so now I have a 32 gig and I can finally put all the songs and apps I want on it! woo! since this check tomorrow is just an extra check, I decided to splurge on myself for once.. I hardly ever do that and the last time was 2 years ago (not counting clothes and groceries.. or putting stuff on a credit card. heh) so I think it was about time!
and now with every paycheck, if I can afford it, I am going to put 100 dollars aside and then at the end of the month, I am going to make a 400 dollar payment on my joint card with Andrew.. that should help to pay it off pretty quickly.. lets see.. we owe about 4700.. divided by 400.. um.. that is about 11 payments.. and if I can do more, that will have it paid off even faster! so yay! then I can work on my other card.. and, my car will be paid off in a year, so I can make even larger payments! awesome! heh if I have any extra, I am going to try and start making principle only payments on my car so that I can maybe pay that off faster.. or maybe in oct, when I get 5 checks instead of 4, I will take that extra check and just put all or most of it on the car.. that is like, 2 months worth of payments right there all on principle.. that would be sweet!
so we will see! with michael moving out, I may not even be able to do any of this because I wil be paying more in rent, but who knows.. I can at least make like 200 dollar payments instead of only 100 or something.. =) but again it does all depend cuz Michael might be moving out sooner than we thought, so we may have to pay more in rent.. that would be nice for Andrew and I to have our own place tho.. but who knows! Michael needs to do this, I just hope he will be OK on his own unlike last time.. sigh..
anyways! I should go and get back to work or something.. heh

So tuesday is my birthday.. yay! I had a birthday weekend though, so on my actual birthday I don't think much is going to happen.. heh but that is OK! I had a great party yesterday with lots of people and today was a family gathering.. we went to chilis and then to my parents house for cake and gifts..
but yesterday there were about 20 people total that come and went.. we were down by the grill and we had lots of chips and dips and other snacks, then Andrew and Michael bbq'd the hamburgers, hotdogs and hot links.. they were really good! And it was just so much fun.. I was constantly walking around, making sure I was talking to everyone and that everyone was having a good time.. I hope I didn't ignore anyone too much, but I tried to sit down and talk with everyone a few different times.. it seemed like everyone had a good time though, so yay for that! I got an Orchid! Jason and Rachel got it for me.. it is awesome! And I got a target and starbucks gift card, a cool wind chime, DARIA!!!!!!!!! some movie tickets.. and.. oh yeah! A really cool statue of a girl holding some cats.. it is really pretty! yay for cats! heh
and then today was my family! I love Chilis, so I was happy to go there.. then my mom made me an angel food cake with whipped cream and strawberries and all sorts of stuff.. it was delicious! Oh and Andrew got me an ice cream cake and it had a Batman toy on it.. awesome.. haha it is a really yummy cake too! And it had my name on it.. XD
let's see.. and then today, for gifts.. I got a 60 gift card to Amazon, 50 for target.. 50 dollar check.. 35 in cash, a 25 gas card, 50 for h&m, and 35 in cash.. and a hands free electronic can opener.. and more movie tickets! So I got lots of cool stuff! All in all a great birthday! Andrew said he is going to try and take me out on my actual bday, but I dunno. he has already spent a lot of money so I don't know that he will have enough money, so no big deal! =)

alright that is all for now! what a great weekend.. yay for birthdays! heh

I feel all blah lately.. I have stopped writing because I just do not feel like it.. but that could just be because I am going to start my period soon.. well that is probably exactly why I feel this way. I just hate when I feel like this because then I do not want to do anything.. I think some of it is depression from being home all the time as well though.. but helping my grandma has kept let me get out every once in a while.. so at least there is that..
But Andrew is always tired when he gets home so he does not always want to go out, or he wants to relax for a while whereas I want to go out and do something right when he gets home.. or on the weekends, when all he wants to do is sleep in.. so it is frustrating. but he is the one with the job, so I try and just do what he wants to do so that he doesnt get mad at me for always wanting to do what I want to do. he does usually do what I want to do, so I try to make sure that he is able to relax when he wants to since all I do is sit and relax all day and it is not fair to him.. so we will see.. I did get a call from one of the temp agencies telling me that they have not forgotten about me and that they were still working on the one job which would be working at a school at a call center with no sales, just helping customers.. they said they thought I would get a call within the next couple of weeks or so, so I am going to try and hold out until I hear from them about that school job until I start looking at bank jobs,. I did apply to two different bank jobs because I am not very hopeful, but since I heard from Sara, I am looking a little higher and feeling a little more hopeful especially since the job that Sara is thinking about really does seem like the perfect job for me.. so here is to hoping!
Next week though.. when I do not have anything to do with my Grandma, time to start writing again.. I wish Jessie would finish the edit so I could see what she thinks and that would help me move on with my story.. but I guess I can just write what I want to write and just go back and redo whatever she thinks I should redo.. I have ideas on how I want to continue what it is that I am working on now, so I think I should go an write that, because I think that will help me when I go back and see what she has to say.. maybe even help me with what I am going to add.. I should ask her about that.. maybe if I bring it up she will do it faster..
alright I suppose that is all for not.. everything else is OK.. The fourth of July party at my parents house was a lot of fun! Andrew's parents came, and they seemed to have a really good time as well.. Jessie was there and I really miss hanging out with her all the time. I wish I was able to do it more. Maybe when I have a job, when I am making more money then I will be able to.. or when she is because then she can afford to take the train more often or even afford to get a car.. but anyways, it was a lot of fun with everyone there and I took lots of pics!
but ok.. time for me to go.. hasta later!

ugh I really hope I do not have diabetes.. but I am starting to show the signs of it.. tho that could just be because I do not have my levoxyl.. I am hoping that is all it is.. but I may hafta go to urgent care and use the cc again just to find out.. I did give up on candy mainly, but I still eat lots of sugar.. but I did start exercising.. soo we shall see I suppose.. my ear is still bothering me so I have to go for that as well becuase it is starting to get worse.. I am just falling apart aren't I.. sigh..
well I have decided that after a month if I still do not have a job, I will go back to banking.. ugh I really do not want to! I hate banking so much and that is the last thing I want to do.. but what else am I going to do if those are the only jobs I am being offered? There really is nothing else for me it seems.. bah
all the other positions I am applying for I have been rejected saying I do not have enough experience.. what other experience do i need? geez.. well oh well we will see what happens.. I am just trying as long as I can to wait as long as I can to get a job that I actually want.. that I wont mind going into work every day.. sigh..

oh I went into Goodwill the other day to bring Andrew lunch, and David was there.. ugh.. I got so flustered that I didn't even stay to chat with Andrew too long.. I was just like, "David is here, so I am going to go now.." I was afraid of running into him and speaking my mind, so I just left quickly..

and now Andrew is off to vegas.. sigh.. I know he has to have his time with his friends, but ugh.. I hate to think of him over there.. and it's like, I trust him but always, in the back of my mind, because of all I have been through, there is that nagging feeling tht something bad is going to happen or he is going to get into some sort of trouble.. and plus the drinking.. I hate the drinking.. =P I don't understand why he has to.. why anyone feels they have to.. it is stupid.. sigh.. oh well.. there is not a whole lot that I can do about it.. I know he likes to drink and that bothers me so much! at least he has calmed down on the drinking and he is not as into it as he used to be but I still don't like it.. I have calmed down on the beers tho, I don't mind those nearly as much as I used to.. it is the hard alcohol that bothers me and makes me worried.. sigh oh well..
alright.. I am going to go now.. I am tired of typing.. no work on my story this week even tho I had been planning on it.. not sure why I didn't, but next week is the week!

ugh I feel sick and it is stupid.. =P I have not wanted to do anything today.. sigh.. I think it is cuz I do not have my levoxyl anymore, because when you have problems with your thyroid you are usually tired.. and I do not have medicine to regulate it anymore.. that is what sucks about not having a job.. no insurance.. stupid.. but tomorrow I Have an interview finally, so we will see where that goes..
it is a call center job that pays well, but it has sales so I dunno.. but luckily it is in the morning, so I Can get it over with and decide if I want it or not! and tomorrow I need to write more of my novel so I can throw the old one away.. I just wrote some notes on it and it is taking up space and it is bothering me!
and now every time I exercise I feel sick.. I think it is also because I do not have my medicine.. sigh.. this sucks.. I don't want to go to urgent care, I really do not want to put anymore on the credit card, so I just have to suck it up until I can get a job and get insurance!
anyways.. I hafta start dinner now.. so until next time!

well just applied to two writing jobs, so we will see what happens! they were both kinda technical writing jobs, but at least I would be writing! I do not know if I have the experience either of the jobs is looking for, but who knows.. maybe I will get lucky!
and now I am off to have lunch with my mom and my gma.. that should be fun.. maybe.. hopefully my grandma will give me some gas money for taking her around but I doubt it.. oh well.. I am going to use the citibank card so I can get that 50 dollar check and put it towards the next payment.. go me!
bah I have a headache.. I wonder if this exercising really is all that good for me.. sigh.. it doesn't even seem to be helping much.. I am so gross.. bah

bah as always, my mom is the voice of reason, which is lame! heh but we talked about me going up North and she kept saying how what a bad idea it was.. And I knew it was, but I want to go so badly.. but I decided to hold the trip off until maybe July, when I should get some birthday money or something.. and then maybe I can stay a little longer, if I still don't have a job by then!
I feel bad cuz my friends were all excited, but what can you do.. I don't have a job, don't have steady income.. I mean, I have unemployment, but that is just barely paying for bills, so I don't really rely on it too much for other things.. but oh well!
Now I will go and help Jessie pack instead, so that should be fun.. I am so glad we have kinda renewed our friendship again.. I hate it when she gets in those bad moods, because then she is hard to talk too and she is just not my Jessie anymore! But she seems to be doing better, and I think because we have been hanging out a lot lately too, that has helped.. so yay for that!
today I need to clean the bathroom and then try and beat a boss on Final Fantasy 13.. stupid boss fight! I have tried so many times!!! sigh.. ha oh well! It is not the end of the world.. =)
tomorrow, I go to lunch with my mom and my gma, so I think I will write before and after that.. get more of my story done.. I am up to page 32! I wonder if I can at least double that by the time I go to school.. I am going to try! go me!

so I really want to go up north to visit Brianna and Angela.. but I was probably a little presumptions in thinking I could... ugh why does my mom always have to be the voice of reason.. z.z sometimes, I wish she would just say, "Yeah do what you want, worry about consequences later!" sigh.. I mean, I know she would never be like that, but that is how she acts, so I just wish she would not be hypocritical when it came to me.. all I did was ask about borrowing her air mattress.. I should have just said so Jessie can use it while she is here or something.. bah..
but I know I don't have the money and I was going to use my credit card.. which is not a good thing.. sigh.. well we will see.. I am going to calculate the miles and see how much it would be and then go from there!
on another note... Andrew's bday thing was fun last night.. I am glad that at least Jason and Rachel showed up.. those were the most important people that had to come.. stupid jet and rueben.. I swear, they like shunned Andrew just because he moved out with me.. so stupid.. x.x oh well at least they invited him to vegas so he can have fun with them then.. it just makes me mad and sad for him.. =P
anyways.. I have to go do my exercises so I can go and pick up Jessie.. so until next time!

Alright.. CSUF cost 8 dollars a day to park, even for guests, which is just stupid, so what I did instead, was email three of my old professors to see if they even have summer hours or would even be willing to write me a letter. So here is to hoping that they write me back soon so I can get this started. While I am waiting for those I should really start working on the other things I need to have done for the application. But I can't send over my transcripts yet, because applications are accepted until Sept, so why send it now. They will get them and be like, WTF are these and why are we getting them now?! lame..
ha so I am going to see what each professor says first, and then if they say no for some reason, I will try to find other professors.. I wonder if I can pull up my transcript online.. hmm..
anyways, in the meantime, I did redo my whole story basically.. well not really re-do but I finally say down and edited the whole thing, so that is good.. I made a lot more of it make sense.. since I was writing it out of order, some parts in the beginning did not match with the ending.. so now it should all make sense! yay.. heh we will see what happens when Jessie reads it..
but it also makes me wanted to start writing again so that is good.. I sent it to Jessie a long time ago because I did not know where I wanted to go next, but she never sent it back to me.. so now that I did it on my own, I was able to think of what I wanted to write next and what I wanted to do next, so yay for that!
I feel so bad for Jessie though.. She is getting sued by American Express those bastards.. =P just cuz she didn't pay.. and I did not think they did stuff like that.. I thought they just always threatened and then forgot about it.. I feel really bad about it and wish that I could do something to help!
but she is going to file for Bankruptcy, and hopefully that will help.. she doesn't need credit anyways until she can find a decent and steady job.. I wonder why she has not found a job yet.. I am thinking it is because she has been out of a job for so long.. and has only retail experience.. I mean it has been two years since she has had a job, soo most ppl would not hire her because other people just quit or got fired or something so they would be more willing to hire them.. sigh.. I just feel so bad for her and wish I had a million dollars so I could pay all her credit off for her.. stupid credit!
oh that reminds me.. I really need to change the payment on the citi card before I go negative in my acct! that would be bad!
alright, I am going to take Ty on a walk now, and then finishing putting the edits on the computer.. fun stuff! until next time.. =)

alright I need to sit down and start writing my story again! I go through phases.. I will sit down and write a lot, and then I don't write for a while.. this last time, though, it was because I had sort of a block.. I wrote a page of notes on what the rest of the story is, but I don't know how to seque in between the chapters..
bah.. maybe if I get more feedback from friends I will be able to actually start writing again.. feedback is always very helpful and usually gets me in the mood to start writing again.
but Jessie can't come over next week like I thought.. =( so mayhaps that is a sign that I need to start writing again.. that on Monday, instead of going to pick her up, I sit down for three hours and just write.. I think I can do that..
in fact, I will do that! I should go through my notes and start writing what I know.. and then I can edit and fill in the rest.. that is basically what I have been doing this whole time anyways.. I mean, I wrote the middle of the story before I even wrote the beginning or the end.. so yeah.. time to do that!
alright my head hurts.. and I feel all blah and gross so I am going to go have a snack or something! until next time!

well here is my first blog.. I made this because I do not really hand write anymore and sometimes I want to just write and I want to write on my computer online..
and I don't want to have to save it to a word document everytime either, because that would just take up space on my computer and both desktop and laptop don't have a lot of room anymore!
so.. I don't have any followers and I don't know that I am going to add anyone on here.. but it is a place that I can write, which is what I like best about it!
so alright.. for now, that is all!
see you soon!